Well, I'm pleased to say that I wrote my last exam for my Diploma of Tropical Nursing course on Wednesday and so officially finished the course! I now have 4 weeks of work left and will be starting to sort out my room and pack for Canada and Sierra Leone. Wow, I can't believe that the way is clear, that I've finished the last step in my education and training that I've been working on for the last 5 years and am now free to go to Africa!
The course was fantastic and gave me so much new knowledge and skills to use in Sierra Leone.
However, oddly enough it triggered a real spiritual struggle and a real time of doubt for me.
It was my first time to encounter so many compassionate people who deeply care about the world's suffering, outside of the church. My motivation to care for children in Africa has always stemmed from my faith in God, and a deep-rooted belief that each one is valuable and worthy of rescue precisely because of being made in God's image and because of the death of Jesus on the cross for them. Now here were loads of people, both students and lecturers, who appeared to have a very selfless love and desire to help people, but completely on humanitarian grounds, for "the love of humanity". I had never encountered this as a massive force before and it really blew me away. Most were non-religious, one very inspiring lady was Buddhist, and yes, a few were Christians.
It caused me to question anew what difference Christ makes in all of this, if any, and how I can be sure that I'm believing the truth. I felt that these extraordinary individuals I was meeting were putting me and many who call themselves Christians, to shame with their love for humanity. I also became bogged down in the incredible suffering and physical needs of people around the world and lost sight of their spiritual needs.
This was all causing me great angst and frustration, when one evening I sat down with a Christian friend and poured out what was on my heart and eating slowly away at my faith. After I did so she was able to point out what was wrong with my thinking. She showed me that I was forgetting the first commandment, to love God with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength and becoming obsessed with the second, to love my neighbor as myself. The first commandment is first for a reason. My relationship with God needs to come ahead of any "good works" I do. I realized I was trying to love God through loving my neighbor only and was becoming so busy with my course and getting ready to go to Sierra Leone that I was neglecting to spend time in His presence. My prayer times had become full of requests for the needs of others, at the expense of worship and praise and listening to his voice. I had become a bit like Martha, tearing around trying to serve Jesus, and forgetting what is most important, sitting at his feet like Mary.
As for all of those wonderful people on my course, my friend reminded me that their good deeds are like "filthy rags" in God's sight, if they don't know him. A verse I need to keep in mind as I go to Africa is, "What does it profit a man, if he gains the whole world and loses his soul?" Yes, I believe absolutely that I need to care for the physical and emotional needs of the people I work with in Sierra Leone because Jesus himself cared for the whole person. But I've been reminded that nurturing a relationship with God is the most important, for me as a Christian, and for those I'm trying to help.
I had forgotten God's amazing grace, that I don't need to and can't earn his favour. The reality of God's love is this--if I lay down and went to sleep for the rest of my life and never helped another human being, God's love for me would stay the same and he would still want to have a relationship with me.
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